ACT I

3.EXT.REFUGEE TRAWLER OFF NEW ZEALAND EAST COAST - DUSK

A small commotion on a trawler. US refugees being roughly pushed aside by someone in a hurry to get through.

XENA

Move it…out of my way! Come on Gabrielle!

CUT TO:

Xena and Gabrielle jump ship into Waitemata Harbour and swim ashore.

GABRIELLE

(dripping wet in Season 6 outfit)

Xena, next time can we take a plane? This salt water can't be good for our gear.

XENA

(annoyed)

I don't like flying…

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

Xena and Gabrielle turn around to view people jumping ship as the trawler sinks under the waves of the harbor. Search lights and the harbor patrol come to the rescue.

GABRIELLE

Shouldn't we help those poor people.

XENA

They'll be fine, Gabrielle. It's a good distraction.

ROSEBUD

Xena?

Xena whips out her sword. Gabrielle has her sais in both hands. Both are battle ready. A female fan approaches them, palms upraised.

ROSEBUD

It's okay, I'm a friend of Lucy's. She asked me to pick you up here.

Xena sheathes her sword. Gabrielle does the same with her sais, and approaches Rosebud.

GABRIELLE

Where is Lucy?

ROSEBUD

She's at home finalizing everything. Lucy'll explain it all back at the house.

(friendly smile)

Welcome to New Zealand!

DISSOLVE TO:

4. INT. AUCKLAND MOVIE OFFICE - LUNCH

In an Auckland office Lucy, Xena, and MC - a member of the VS7 Team - are chatting pleasantly with a SUSA representative.

LUCY

…and I want the proceeds to go to Starship Children's Hospital.

REP

(panicking)

But… but… we're talking about billions of dollars here.

XENA

(scowling, fingering chakram)

You do what the lady tells ya…

REP

We just don't have enough resources to…

MC

(leans forward)

You're worried about the SUSA Serial Killer?

The Rep simply nods, while sweating, absolutely speechless

MC

When word gets out that SUSA is backing us… the Serial Killer might lay low for a while.

REP

(shaking)

Are you sure about that?

(beat)

No! Sorry… can't back you up!

Lucy, Xena and MC leave the SUSA Office disappointed.

Cigarette smoke wafts through the corridor.

CUT TO:

5. INT. RENPIC BOARDROOM, AVONDALE - AFTERNOON

The boardroom at Renaissance Pictures was crammed full of staff, fans, crew and actors.

LUCY

We have less than a month to come up with a good story…

MC

We wrote a nice two-part script for ya, resurrecting Xena in Virtual Season 7…

MC hands Lucy a copy of 'Honor Bound'.

TOA

How about UFO's?

ROSEBUD

How about a comedy?

DEBZIE

(sigh)

A musical…like Bitter Suite?

LUCY

(impressed)

Can we rewrite 'Honor Bound' as a musical?

RENEE

Musicals take too much time…

(beat)

…and resources.

MISSY

Wasn't I invited to write a nice subber story?

RENEE

Honor Bound resurrects Xena in a good script format.

MISSY

Gabrielle was heading for Egypt… not Japan!

Missy hands Renee her own script…

TOA

How about UFO's?

MC

Toa, this isn't the X-files…

TOA

UFO's have been seen by people for thousands of years - it doesn't take much imagination to describe a flying object as a flying horse…

CUT TO:

CLIP

CUT TO:

HADLEY

(excitedly)

Hey…if we do an X-Files-Xena combo, we could have Scully in it!

TOA

Yeah! Woohoo!

MACAVITYCAT

We can't have UFO's in the Xena Movie.

RENEE

Maybe we can…

All eyes focus on Renee with various reactions.

Renee thumbs through the 'Ascension' and 'No Place Like Home' short stories and MC gives Toa the 'evil Xena look.'

POLLY

We could have a really big fight scene!

CLEA

We should have a full on lip-lock scene between Xena and Gabrielle.

CUT TO CLIP:

CUT TO:

RENEE & LUCY

Why?

ROB

NO!

VS7 TEAM & MISSY GOOD

YES!

VS7 Team do high five's on each other.

CLEA

Xena and Gabrielle love each other...

POLLY

If anyone thinks that they are no more than friends…

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

ROB

They're soul-mates. What more do you want?

Clea moves to a nearby closet and opens the door.

Toa manages to sneak in behind for a good snapshot of Xena and Gabrielle.

CLEA

(big grin)

You two… OUT!

Gabrielle blushing, comes out of the closet wearing an outfit similar to her Season 5 one. Followed by a hastily corset adjusting Xena.

GABRIELLE

(blushing)

Couldn't find my way out… er… I mean…

POLLY

(giggling)

What were you two doing in there?

XENA

(flustered)

Sharpening my sword…

GABRIELLE

Yes, sharpening swords… oh!

Lucy holds Xena's sword, and Renee has Gabrielle's sais.

ROB

My vision is ruined!

MC

(curiously looking at Xena)

Is that a hickey?

Xena gives MC the 'evil Xena pout.'

TOA

Pst, Rob, how much are ya willing to pay for this picture?

Clea and Polly start a bidding war in the background for the picture. Their voices are muffled and can't be clearly heard. Toa is using his full almost two-meter height to keep the snapshot out of their reach.

RENEE

(smiling cheekily)

So Xena and Gabrielle were in the closet…

LUCY

…and couldn't find their way out.

RENEE

Shall we use that in the script?

LUCY

I don't know… Rob?

ROB

Don't ask me, I don't want to know.

CLEA & POLLY

Aaaw come on - it's perfect.

LUCY

What about Ares?

RENEE

Ares does have a thing for Xena…

XENA

Well… yeah.

GABRIELLE

(jealous)

XENA!

Polly and Clea move in closer to eavesdrop on Xena.

The rest of the room is busy arguing over the script in the background and not taking any notice.

XENA

(mumbling to Gabrielle only)

Well… I did feel something for him.

Gabrielle turns around angrily and stalks away out of the room.

XENA

(talking to herself, mumbling)

I'll make it up to her later.

Polly and Clea are the only ones that hear Xena.

CLEA & POLLY

(in unison excitedly)

Can we watch?

Xena shoots a murderous glance at them and says nothing more.

A heated debate continues in the background.

DISSOLVE TO:

6. EXT. STUDIOS, AVONDALE - MORNING

A familiar blonde runs into Xena - accompanied by two female companions.

XENA

(sword drawn)

Callisto

(raises eyebrow)

Ditie?

HUDSON

(warm smile)

Hi… I'm Hudson Leick. You must be the Xena clone.

XENA

(confused)

You're not Callisto?

HUDSON

No… not exactly.

Hudson holds onto her female companions.

HUDSON

These are my friends MaryD and Alex Tydings.

XENA

Pleased to meet ya.

(still puzzled, to Alex)

You sure you're not Aphrodite?

Alex gives the famous Ditie smile whilst Lucy and Rob stroll by.

LUCY

Look Rob… it's Hudson with MaryD and Alex.

ROB

(fiddling with fishing vest)

Mary who?

LUCY

(beams a proud smile)

MaryD from ausxip.com - one of the most informative sites in the Xenaverse

CUT TO:

Claire Stansfield twirling a cane in one hand and towing a female companion.

XENA

(sword drawn)

Alti!

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

Lucy greets the other familiar friends.

LUCY

No Xena, they are Claire Stansfield and Sharon Delaney.

Claire and Alex greet each other with a luscious liplock.

MaryD takes a nice snapshot in the excitement.

XENA

(furrowing her brow)

You know, it's getting mighty confusing to tell who is who around here.

LUCY

(happy smile)

Sharon… Mary… long time no see.

Lucy hugs both MaryD and Sharon Delaney with a choking kiwi-hug.

DISSOLVES TO:

7. INT. STUDIO BOARDROOM, AVONDALE - MORNING

Everyone has gathered at Renaissance Studio for script reading.

XENA

(pouting)

What is that little black pot doing here?

GABRIELLE

It's in the script…

(beat)

…you haven't been resurrected yet, Xena.

XENA

(to Lucy)

Am I in the script?

 

LUCY

(teasing)

What makes you think you've got a part?

GABRIELLE

(glances at Renee)

We can't have a Xena movie without Xena.

RENEE

(cheeky smile)

Why not?

GABRIELLE

(flustered)

Because we're a team!

CLEA & POLLY

(excited)

And you love each other!

XENA

(annoyed)

Am I in or out?

CLEA & POLLY

(gleefully)

You're out!

XENA

(frustrated)

Bugger!

RENEE

(to Clea & Polly)

Stop it you two.

(beat)

Xena you're in the script…

(paper noises)

…somewhere.

LUCY

(calm and content)

If anyone is going to play Xena it's going to be me.

EVERYBODY

(laughing out loud)

You're pregnant.

LUCY

(innocent look)

So? I did it before.

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

XENA

(sulking)

It wasn't much fun - on the run with a big belly. Gods trying to kill me and my baby.

LUCY

What are you sulking about? I did all the work - this was way before you were…

(beat)

…made.

Polly comes in excitedly towing another fan.

VS TEAM

Hi Guilda!

GUILDA

(waves excitedly at camera)

Hi everyone!

POLLY

Guilda is a ROC fan!

RENEE

(flashes a smile)

It's so nice to meet a fan of…

Renee gets interrupted by a well placed luscious lip-lock performed by Guilda. To everyone's surprise Renee relaxes enough to put her arms around Guilda's shoulders.

LUCY

(prods finger against Renee)

ehm… Renee?

RENEE

Mmmmh?

LUCY

Hate to interrupt your fan attraction…

RENEE

(realization and blushes a bright crimson)

I… I… don't know… I…

Rob and RJ are arguing about good fishing spots in the background.

ROB

The Bay of Islands has the best fishing…

RJ

The Coromandel has hidden shoals and crevices…

LUCY

(distracted)

Why don't we go to Taupo this weekend?

RENEE

(mysteriously)

I'm just going to disappear for a long time.

Guilda beams a smile at the VS Team who nod enthusiastically with thumbs up to encourage her good fortune.

LUCY

(back on track)

We'll never get this movie done at this rate.

A gong sounds and the caterers bring in an early lunch. Everyone relaxes and chats together while munching on the feast in front of them.

CUT TO:

8. INT. ROB'S OFFICE, AUCKLAND - AFTERNOON

The police visit the studio's Auckland office. Fish are framed and hanging all over the wall. A picture of Lucy holding a huge fish sits on the desk. Rob sits baiting more hooks, deep in concentration with the tip of his tongue slightly sticking out of his mouth.

DETECTIVE

(chuckles)

We have reason to believe that our United States colleagues have put you, Mister Tapert, as a prime target of the SUSA Serial Killer. You don't look worried.

ROB

(smug)

I have taken steps to ensure my own safety as well as that of my family. But quite frankly, and I know Frank quite well, I do not work for Studio USA…

DETECTIVE

(concerned)

This may be a backward country to you Yankees, but we do not approve of vigilante action. However, the FBI has told us that their specialized branch is looking into the matter. We have been instructed to back off. But I felt it was my obligation to inform you of the situation.

The detective stands up, and as he goes through the door he notices two smartly dressed Roman Legionaries guarding Rob's office.

CUT TO:

DETECTIVE

(curious)

What are you two doing here?

TOA

(proud smile)

Lucy has asked MC and me to keep an eye on Rob. Just in case the SUSA Serial Killer might drop by unexpectedly.

The detective shakes his head with a grin.

DETECTIVE

(chuckling)

Everyone in this business is nuts.

DISSOLVE TO:

9. INT. SUSA OFFICE IN AUCKLAND - LATE NIGHT

An office in Auckland, muffled arguing behind closed doors. A heavy struggle can be heard with lots of noises. The door opens enough to give us a glimpse of another body slumped over a desk. Then we see a fully disguised person carrying a big bag full of money sure-footedly leaving the room and closing the door behind them. We still do not see who it is.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT I

ACT II