The following episode written for The Xena Warrior Princes Virtual Season is a work of fiction based upon the television series Xena: Warrior Princess. The original characters are used strictly for fan purposes and not for profit. There is no intent to infringe upon or violate any copyrights held by Studio USA, Renaissance Pictures, Universal Television or any other organization that owns the rights to this series.

The script, story ideas, and any other character created by the authors that are not part of the original series are copyrighted and remain the sole property of those authors. Also, any original artworks are copyrighted and remain the sole property of those artist. Permission to use any of the written or drawn works herein must be submitted to the original author(s) and artist(s).

Season 7.12: Lights, Camera, Action!

Written by Richard B. Kloosterboer

Illustrated by Sharon "Scully", and sisterinarms

(Xena Theme Song)

TEASER

1. INT. SUSA OFFICE IN LA - LATE NIGHT

The SUSA office in LA where muffled arguing can be heard from behind a closed door. A heavy struggle is audible with lots of noise. The door opens enough to let us glimpse a body slumped over a desk. Then we see a fully disguised person carrying a big bag full of money sure-footedly leaving the room and closing the door. We do not see who it is.

DISSOLVE TO:

CLOSE-UP:

JOXER

(big smile)

Rise and shine - everybody. Rise and shine!

CUT TO:

2. INT. LA TOWNHOUSE DINING ROOM - MORNING

In a dining room in a LA townhouse, Rob, Lucy, their rowdy kids and friends of their kids are eating breakfast.

Lucy is wearing a state-of-the-art maternity dress, shoulder length brown hair and is heavily pregnant.

Rob is wearing his fishing gear and hat and reading the LA Times while he eats his tuna sandwich with tartar sauce and snowpia shoots.

ROB

Another SUSA Executive is murdered, Lucy.

(he slaps the paper with his hand)

Serves them right.

LUCY

Being a masochist again, huh? You're not still holding a grudge against them for axing our show not so long ago?

ROB

No! But we did have a lot of fun back then.

Lucy leans forward and kisses Rob. A Nanny in the background gets splattered with baby food muck.

LUCY

I miss it too.

(brightens)

How about making a Xena movie?

ROB

Is it the right time for making that movie now?

Rob indicates Lucy's pregnant state.

LUCY

(laughs)

I'm sure we can find a buck-double.

ROB

(enthused)

We need a story. I'll write…

LUCY

Oh no dear. Every time you write a story about Xena and Gabrielle we end up being beaten to a pulp or get insanely killed off.

(beat)

Or I get covered in rats!

CUT TO:

CLIP

CUT TO:

ROB

Okay. How about R.J.Stewart?

LUCY

(dreamily)

How about Missy Good?

CUT TO:

CLIP

CUT TO:

ROB

I don't want to use fan-fiction writers.

A couple of kids can be seen having a food-fight in the background.

LUCY

Why not? Look at Virtual Season 7 - These are talented people.

(beat)

And they are doing it for free.

ROB

(shock)

For free? They're mad.

LUCY

Fans usually are Rob. So, how about it? Ask Missy Good to write for us? She's done it before.

(beat)

And ask Renee to direct the movie.

In the background the Nanny can be seen getting tied up by a couple of rowdy boys.

ROB

Renee directing? She's a perfectionist. She'll be constantly nit picking until it's perfect.

(beat)

Where is Renee hiding nowadays?

LUCY

Renee and Steve are in their hide-away at the Milford Sounds. At least she's already on location…

Rob sees Lucy smile cheekily.

ROB

Oh no, not New Zealand again…

(beat)

On the other hand, fishing is fantastic there.

Lucy gets up and grabs a big vegetable knife from the kitchen bench. She pauses for effect and then frees the tied-up nanny sitting behind her.

JULIUS

Way cool Mom!

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

LUCY

(undeterred)

What's wrong with New Zealand? We can use all our old crew and the local schools again.

ROB

(rolls his eyes in disbelief)

Bethells Valley again? The Waitekere Ranges?

(dreamily)

Bay of Plenty…

LUCY

(dreamy eyes)

At least we don't need to travel far for fishing.

(beat)

Plus, I haven't been home for a while.

ROB

We also need a financial backer. How about Studio USA?

LUCY

(very big grin)

It's worth a go. Shall I phone them up or will you?

(beat)

We can make it a charity event. All proceeds go to Starship Children's Hospital and Kidz First.

ROB

No SUSA Executive Producer will ever back you up for that. Their business will go bankrupt.

LUCY

Charities are tax deductible, Rob. I'm phoning Renee to give her the good news. That we're going to make that movie now.

ROB

You have an idea I guess…

Lucy dials a cell phone to call Renee. A sleepy voice answers.

RENEE

(voice over, yawn)

Hull-oh?

LUCY

G'day Renee… it's Lucy.

RENEE

(voice over)

Lucy? It's two o'clock in the morning here… are you mad?

One of Lucy's kids clings to her leg as she talks. The rest of the kids are running wild around the dining room.

LUCY

Been there, done that. I'll get straight to the point. Get your gear together. We're going to make the Xena movie.

RENEE

(voice over)

Good thing we're prepared. Do you have a theme?

LUCY

Yes… It's going to be about good and evil…

RENEE

(voice over)

…also about love and hate?

LUCY

Lots of fight scenes and lots of mushy scenes.

RENEE

(voice over)

So it's all go and I'm going to direct it!

LUCY

And we'll have a lot of fun making it...

RENEE

(voice over)

Keep me informed when you're ready to roll.

(yawn)

I need to get some more sleep.

LUCY

At least you're a day ahead of me.

(giggles)

See ya in a couple of days.

Lucy turns the phone off - Rob sits there surprised.

LUCY

I'll phone Sharon Delaney. She'll be thrilled to hear about this news.

Lucy notices Rob's perplexed look.

LUCY

What's the matter dear?

ROB

(long face)

How long have you and Renee been planning this?

LUCY

Just biding our time Rob. Looking for the right time to spring it on our fans.

ROB

Shouldn't we continue to keep all this a secret?

LUCY

We need to contact the fans, Rob. Let's give the fans what they really wanted to see in our series to begin with.

ROB

(looks sour)

I never did like the alternative side.

LUCY

From one extreme to another - that's what our fans liked. So let's get to work…

The Nanny is running and screaming in the background pursued by rowdy kids whilst Rob begins to bait hooks and Lucy phones Sharon Delaney.

FADE TO BLACK:

END TEASER

ACT I